Sunday, April 22, 2012

A weight

When I started this blog it was on a whim, just a feeling I had that I wanted to write, to have a space for me to express myself and be myself. Once I had started I found a community of people that I enjoyed reading and conversing with and a number of fun opportunities to do reviews or make a small amount of money. I had no idea that it would become so utterly entwined with my thoughts and feelings and be an extension of myself, but it has.

I want to make it a happy, fun place for both my readers and myself and at the moment have all sorts of posts I want to write. I want to catch up on the reviews I have outstanding and tell you about fantastic things I have heard on the radio. I want to write a beautiful post about Mini Mck turning three and what is going on in our allotment. I want to illustrate all of these with lovely, jolly photos, but at the moment I can't. I am stuck because there are other things on my mind and until I have written those I can't muster the inspiration to post anything else. I had no idea this would happen.

Sometimes a blog is about joining in with a community, or making some money, or thinking about stats and rankings. Sometimes it is about treasuring a memory or sharing something that you think your audience will enjoy, but occasionally it is just about getting what is inside your head out onto the page and nothing more. That is where I am today.

Recently, I have been experiencing, what I can only describe as, anxiety of almost physical proportions. I  feel knots in my jaw and between my eyes and when my mind is allowed to wander it feels as though I have a lump in my chest, everything is tense.

We have a lot going on in the next month. Both Mckdaddy and I will be spending time away from home at different times and we have Nano's baptism to organise in less than two weeks, a thought which makes me freeze with worry. It should be an event to catch up with family and friends and have them welcome Nano into their lives, but at the moment it just seems like a list that has yet to even be written, let alone actioned.

However, when I really strip it all away, what makes me take a sharp intake of breath is the fact that Mini Mck starts pre-school this week. I find myself obsessing about the detail, the nuts and bolts of it all. What does he need to take? Have I labelled all the relevant clothes? Will we get there on time?

But it isn't really that. These worries are all surface, tangible manifestations of what I am really anxious about. For three years it has just be us, my boy and I, in our own bubble. We bowl along at our own pace, on our own timetable and I am responsible for what we do and where we go. Of course, we have been joined by Nano, but he has really just slotted in to our little world.

Suddenly, I am losing that. Someone else will be trusted with his care, even if it is for only a few hours a week. Things are about to change and this time I have had with him is over. Before I know it pre-school will turn into school and that will be every day, for six hours. Even as type these words I want to scream "IT IS TOO FAST! STOP!"

The logical, left side of my brain knows that this is the right time and the right thing. It knows that he is ready to take a step away and that it really is only a small step. It speaks to me to say that everybody else I know has already done this bit of letting go and has done it much earlier than I have had to. It knows too that I need this. Looking after a high energy toddler all day, every day is hard work, particularly when there is a smaller child who needs me too. I need some time away from Mini and I am little doubt that this regular break will make me a more patient, enthused parent.

Nevertheless, my emotions are running away with me and of course I need to put a brave face on things, so that he doesn't pick up on it and the rest of the world don't think I'm bonkers. Hence, the anxiety, the butterflies in the stomach and the knots.

I can only hope that after this week is over I will feel the weight lift and without that weight I will no longer feel paralysed by it all and can get on with the rest of our busy weeks ahead.

My other hope is that by finally sitting down and writing what is really in my head, next time you visit it will be business as usual. Thanks for bearing with me.

11 comments:

  1. It is scary how fast they grow. I'm not that great at following my own advice, but try to live in the moment if you can. Things usually work out for the best x

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    1. You are so right. Often the thought of these things is worse than reality

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  2. I felt every word of this post. I often want to stop time, but am starting to realise that being anxious about things doesn't make time slow or the world stop turning. I have to force myself to think what is the worst that can happen and carry on regardless. I found the nursery/pre school thing one of the hardest things I had done as a mother, entrusting my child to someone else was hard for me. to have someone else influence then rather than just me and MD was very hard and it lots of ways is something I still grapple with every day.

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    1. It was something that never occured to me before I had children.

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  3. I wish we could stop time for a while. Each step we take is difficult as a parent. All we can do is live in the moment and cherish the time we have with them. x

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    1. Everyone says it but it does go so fast

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  4. Everything you describe I have felt exactly the same way as you are right now. Now my boys are 5 and almost 4 and it is hard to believe we are there already. I hated the feelings of leaving them live a life that I wasn't witnessing directly.
    The truth is that like Jen says being anxious doesn't stop the process but instead might make it harder to go through. What helped and still helps is that this is not the end of something but the beginning of a new exciting time each time you start a new phase. Focus on this, on the fact that he will learn something new and exciting to share with you every day, that you will love going back to him every time. Kids need input from other people and you need space that is just yours.
    It is bloody hard but you will get used to it faster than you think. Good luck x

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment. A RL friend said exactly the same. That I will gain a new love and pride when I see how well equipped he is for it.

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  5. I remember this time so clearly. There was lots of separation anxiety and, over time, I realised that most of it was mine. I even took S out of one pre-school because it 'wasn't right'. Of course it was fine. You will all come through this and you will be fine, but in the meantime you have friends, love and Radio4 x

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  6. You know I know how you feel. The first morning I dropped her off I went to a coffee shop by myself and howled. You need a friendly shoulder to cry on if you can find one, don't howl on your own. The truth is though, that after all the anticipation and worry, within about three weeks it was all completely fine and the new normal. I even found myself looking forward to the end of half term...

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  7. It doesn't take much for me to remember these same feelings when the twins started at nursery – you describe those feelings of crippling anxiety perfectly. Now I've got used to it, and do enjoy the time I spend away from them but it doesn't stop me panicking about them starting school (years off yet, I know). How could I be apart from them that much? Oh dear, I'm hormonal and I shouldn't be thinking about this right now. Pass the tissues please...

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