I have been thrown from the calm ease of paternity leave, where not only was Mckdaddy at home, but we were inundated with visitors who would entertain an energetic two year old or hold Nano Mck when he just didn't want to be put down.....all day
Now, that has all changed. By 6pm on the first evening, as I surveyed the carnage in my home, I felt in a state of shock. Unable to really piece together what had happened in the previous twelve hours. Some days there is not two minutes where one, or often both, of the Mcks don't need me and at times it is totally overwhelming.
By Wednesday, I had reached my limit and sent Mckdaddy this video to show him the carnage that had been created in just a few hours.
Watching it back made me smile and for that reason alone I guess it did it's job. It also prompted Mckdaddy to phone my Mum and ask her to offer some help.
As usual I turned to my on-line friends for support and honesty and they assured me this was all totally normal and the feeling of total bewilderment would pass and I would be able to brush my hair again one day. Then, I spent the weekend with some of these fabulous women at Cybermummy which was the biggest confidence boost I could have hoped for. Nano behaved beautifully and I got loads of compliments praising me for being dressed and having make up on. The lovely Spudbaloo even described me as wafting around with confidence, which is perhaps the greatest compliment I've ever had.
I came back tired, but on a wave of positivity to carry over into week two, until I had a visit from the Health Visitor. How do they manage to make you feel worse, even though you know they are trying to be helpful?
Everything seems fine with Nano, he's put on more than a pound in the last two weeks. She's a little concerned that his eyes still seem a little yellow and so we are off to the hospital tomorrow for a blood test. I think it's just a precaution, as he seems fine in every other way.
The issue was when she asked how I was doing and although I told her I was fine I did make my flippant, albeit true, 'run over by a bus' comment. Suddenly, her face changed, her brow furrowed and her head went, sympathetically to one side. Alarm bells were ringing and I know that's a good thing, but what I really needed, when I added "that's normal, right?", was for her to reassure me, that it is normal, or at least not unusual to feel a little battle weary at this stage. Surely, she could tell from the rest of our conversation that we are doing OK, that I'm doing OK.
Instead, I was left with the feeling that perhaps I'm not doing so well and perhaps I should be expecting to find this easier. It left me thinking that sometimes those that are there to help new mothers actually put more pressure on us to have found our feet by week three. It certainly made me realise that I won't be so honest with her in the future and will save my doubts and truths for my friends, the people who actually help.
As for the shock of finding myself at home with a baby and a toddler, I think it's wearing off a little. Yesterday was a good day, today wasn't. I guess that's just how it's going to be for a while.