My head is full and jumbled. I am tired and yet I need to get some of this stuff out of my head and into words, as much for myself than anything else. I have tried to write a couple of times in the last week and just can't seem to form sentences, probably because I need to write about what's on my mind and have been avoiding it. So, I've decided to just type and see where I end up.
I had a friend to stay this weekend and got lots of 'time off'. We took the baby shopping with us on Saturday and returned to a spotlessly tidy house, with a load of nappies finished in the washing machine and stories of how Mini Mck not only played angelically, but also helped tidy up his toys. Sunday was a long planned spa day, when we were joined by another friend and I thought that having both the children all day would trip Mckdaddy up, but on our return, bedtime routine was well under way, dinner was bubbling away and the house was still looking ordered.
Now that I am back in charge Mckdaddy has returned to a house in chaos, with me hardly able to brush my hair and tales of toddler wrangling and how tired I am. It's all just left me feeling a totally useless.
I don't know if it's the dark, dank days or the broken nights of sleep that are making me feel this way, but I am finding it all an enormous slog at the moment and feel myself sinking in a black mood that I keep expecting to lift and it just isn't.
I am sad that Nano will be six months in a couple of weeks and it seems like I have just missed it. I feel guilty that I spend so little time with him and even when Grandad Limited takes Mini for the afternoon I hope that Nano has a big nap so that I can catch up with some house stuff. Now, suddenly I am thinking about weaning and all that comes with that and I am just not ready. I have blinked and half a year has gone by.
Guilt permeates so much of my thoughts these days. I had such a fantastic weekend and had to admit that I didn't miss Nano as much as I thought I might. The chance to just slow my brain and think of nothing was so delicious I wanted it to last much longer than a few hours.
I crave time to myself and it seems however much I run frantically, like a hamster in a wheel, to make it happen, I never seem to reach it. There is always 'just one more thing to do'. Of course, I have the evenings, but with feeling so tired and wanting to sleep early (although I rarely do) it just isn't enough. I want to knit, to learn crochet, to watch TV, read, paint my nails, have a long bath, send long e-mails and letters, blog, cook. I want to do it all and you just can't when the time between putting the children to bed and sleeping yourself is so short.
I explained to my friend at the weekend that I hate the bedtime routine, not because of the children as they are both really brilliant at bedtime, but because it is then that I look around and see that I still have so much to do before I can be 'off duty' and by this time I have no energy left.
I do get some help. My Dad and Step-mum take Mini out for a few hours once a week and my Mum has said she will have him for the next five weeks while I take Nano to baby yoga, but that is it. A total of about 4 hours and none of it child free. Not that I expect it, they are my children and this is what I signed up for. I dipped my toe into finding a pre-school for Mini Mck, but so far the ones I've phoned are full and to be honest I've lost the motivation to keep looking at the moment.
I know it is just the grind of daily life with two small children and am sure that it will lift soon,or at least I hope it will. At the moment I am just getting through it, not really enjoying it. (and here we have another source of guilt *sigh*) It is just the relentlessness of it all is bearing down on my ridiculously knotty shoulders.